I DON’T GO TO THE GYM because I’m psyched to go every time. I go because it’s who I am.

I’m building the cathedral of my life, constructed brick-by-brick every damn day.

I go to the gym for the feeling I have when sweat soaked. Endorphins pumping. Sunlight. Deep breaths. Often tears.

For six years, I thought my body was broken, as I dealt with intense chronic back pain.

There were no answers, and the fight consumed me.

I would have given anything to feel normal again.

I was in a prison of the mind.

Yet I knew — I fucking knew — the pain was for a reason.

The pain gave me this — an appreciation for just how fucking lucky I am to do what I’m doing; I’m so damn grateful just to be alive with a body, a mind, a soul that longs to heal every day.

My back flared up badly this past week for the first time in five months, the first time since embarking on my spiritual odyssey at the beginning of summer.

That’s when I realized that my brain had been creating the pain in my body to distract me from emotions, or to distract me from what’s happening in my life.

The last time it flared up was during a pivotal change in my life.

I thought it was my back just going out at the worst time.

Now it all makes sense.

The same thing happened now, as I’m another season of big change.

Is it stress? Fear? Anxiety?

A bit of everything.

But now I know it’s my nervous system that feels threatened.

There’s nothing wrong with my body.

I won’t take painkillers or treat the back, because that shows the brain that there is actually something wrong with my body.

Despite the pain, by showing up and pushing weight, I show my mind that I’m okay.

I’m safe.

I can handle this shit.

My brain doesn’t have to protect me by creating pain in my body.

Healing comes from staying the course, facing our fear, and living our lives.

So that’s what I’m gonna do.

The fight is not over.

We’re still digging deep, fam.

But I’m better than I’ve ever been.

The road ain’t clear, but damn, I’m heading somewhere.

This life is beyond me.

There will always be obstacles.

But we just gotta keep moving.

Keep searching for answers.

Don’t fucking give up on you, because one day soon, everything will change.

Keep going.

I’m right here beside you.

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