Scotland, Edinburgh, a castle city, cask ale in quiet bars where old men congregate. I’m here with my friends roaming the hills and eating scotch eggs.

We scored a sunny, gorgeous weekend. We’re staying on the outskirts of town in a place called Balgreen. Having coffee in the mornings. Started with a pint on day one at the neighborhood pub, Luckies. There are bagpipes, many laughs, cold wind and clacking cobbles.

I don’t know what really matters in this life, but something tells me time with the lads is up there.

On Monday morning, I open the blinds to a furry cat with big, storm-green eyes, staring back at me. That makes me smile. I was feeling melancholic. A travel day before me. Much on my mind.

Do I wanna make some changes? I don’t even know. What is there to change?

Everything changes so quickly. Good or bad, life just keeps changing.

The mess, the fucking mess; I’m doing my best to keep my head on straight.

Sometimes I wanna yell, scream, the pressure I put on myself that I gotta make it all happen; I’m tired of it. I want a release, but I also want to stop. I want to push, I need to be, I need love, I want to be held, I need to let go, I want somebody to hold, I wanna hear I love you, I wanna say it and feel it too, I’m tired of searching, tired of being alone, tired of all this shit that I hold on my shoulders, I’m alive and feel like I’m doing my best to be alive — the sun is on my face, I want to write a poem, want to make something beautiful like the songs that I love, they’re so beautiful and I wonder what is up with me, all this pain in my body, and I’m close to giving up.

But I won’t. Can’t.

The pain is hard. When I’m stressed, my body feels it. Is the pain opening up something inside of me? Is the pain a door to greater understanding? Is it even really there?

I don’t want to fall back into my old ways, forget the things I’ve learned and just live with pain; I don’t want to live with it, accepting that I’m broken.

The more I fight it, the more the pain fights back.

The pain fights back. So stop fighting.

It’s hard to know what really matters

I miss the souls of my present and past

Shadows now in morning light

Thoughts as sweet as coffee and cake

The further I drift the harder it is

I still miss her

I can’t believe it’s all just over now

How quickly life moves

I’m in a new town

I feel so much love

Afraid of hurting again

I know that everything’s okay.

Sometimes I just feel strange. Life can get me down. It’s tough and it’s beautiful.

Zoom out, kid. You know things will be okay. I miss the people I love. But my spirit is strong. My body is whole. And the mind always clears again in the morning. I guess it’s just being on this plane.

There’s nothing to fear. Just embrace the joy, then. Everything changes in the blink of an eye . . .

Open your eyes and see; be alive. Effortlessly.

I’m feeling better. I’m okay with the way things are. Gratitude is all there is. You’re growing every day, with each experience, especially the difficult ones. Let life pass through you; the consciousness experiencing reality.

You can be a deeply spiritual being and still feel the pangs of being human. Feel all the love, the joy, the excitement, the sadness — let the emotion in and feel it, then let it go.

Everything is playing out exactly as it’s meant to. I have to believe it.

I’m on the train, back in NYC — hope and light restored in me. I don’t know why; before I was full of melancholy. But I’m back, flowing with the wax and wane, sheer excitement for what the day contains.

Coming home to the city of my dreams.

Time to chase them before they chase me.

And so with that, I’m ready for a reset. Time off socials. This newsletter. Drinking.

I need some calm, some peace. I want to focus on my book and getting certified as a personal trainer.

These things excite me. I haven’t lost my fire. Lighten the mental load. Don’t lose hope.

The fire inside will dim, but the fire isn’t out. Keep your spirit lit — let the world roar through you; you’ll find a way. Keep going. Little by little.

Don’t let life take the light from your eyes.

It’s all so good. I’ll see y’all soon after some time away.