Gentle heart, how closely
can I hold these moments to my chest
without breaking ‘em.
Been living in my head
I can think of worse places
my thoughts are easing
they’ve been tangled lately,
but as I find my flow again
the weight lessens;
I think about simple things
which always get me through.
I think about color.
It seems at dusk this world’s bereft,
so I wear my red beanie
bright like the rear lights in the cars
of today’s rain,
glistening as reflections on the road.

Saturn’s falling
color drains with moonrise,
but the moon’s still there.
It’s never left.
It’s only what we’re able to see
until we shake off the past
we look a little differently
maybe we don’t need the color.
What’s a man’s smoke which
climbs from his cigarette
the world blue,
the smoke white like his hair
then gone,
the burning cigarette orange,
black, ash.

I don’t know the real me.
Like part of me is missing,
lost to a memory
that’s never let go.
There’s this dissonance between my body
and whom I long to be,
and in a sense, that dissonance
has made me;
acted as the body through the mind,
it’s strong because the body hurts.
It’s cold in Japan, raining hard today
I forget that’s why I love it.

I met a man in Bangkok, a writer
who dreams in black and white.
His name is Scott, his real Thai name
I unfortunately forget,
he goes by Human.
I leave my apartment to catch the last of the light
which is not really light
but a deep blue ink which drips
upon the buildings, the roads, the flowers,
ink that falls from the sky called light
like ink that flows from
my pen in words
as solace in flight
for my words are the light
which help me see
my thoughts often dark
yet on the page they shine
no gravity
to hold them down;
I see words on a page
words on fire in the air
can I afford a break from life
the despair
ceaselessly breaking
and maybe it’s just the winter’s cold
and we could use the sun,
I walk although I wanna run
from something and for something
I show restraint for that I’ve won,
learning how to run inside
how to break free from thoughts
explode from inner chains
without breaking in reality.
You got this, cuh.

Speaking words into
the path ahead I can’t yet see
not made of pain, but days like today,
gasping for breath against
the weight of existence
not breathing deep enough
the weight’s light as air.
Day turns to night
In the world walking I seek light,
the neon signs and dim orange
glow of street lamps
make me think.

I want to do more,
need to do less
magic comes when the soul’s at rest,
do I want what they want
or can I be free without it,
you haven’t even started, kid.
The body thumps to the patter of the rain
falling hard then soft
there’s so much to hear if we listen
to the pain
like a brush, the wind,
carrying the cold
thoughts of her, faint siren in the distance
the body beats as one.
Trying to break free
the soul, mind, body and heart an entity —
this is the real me.

Just don’t know who that could be.

How far can I go into the depths of fear
until the eyes adjust and shadows
become merely shade;
do you hear every word
feel every beat inside the chest
or catch smiling eyes asking
for rest,
would you recognize your soul in
a body different?
It’s the soul I long
to know as darkness falls
we can no longer see,
what the body holds is
nothing but memory
the soul that dances as color on
the river only wants to be free
it’s the soul it’s the cold
it’s the music that I hope
remains
of me.

We have one life —
the moon has never left me.
It’s hid in shadow too
wanting to hide, just sleep,
but it’s never left me
no matter the memory I try to forget.
Now it’s warm and I look up
how clear it seems
my choices bright
steps shining.
I’ve done my best today,
I think it’s always known
the world seems brighter when
I don’t feel alone
or maybe I’m just seeing clearly;
for that I need my friends,
I don’t know where I am until I talk
to them again.

We’re all dealing with the same
old shit yet we hold that shit inside
afraid if we confide
our darkness will truly shine —
and then we’ll be alone
when sharing our struggles
is all to bring us home.

The darkness has brought
so much light out of me.
I’ll always be grateful for it.

Saturn’s falling
moon’s rising
and time is flying by.