Dying wish

A dying tree releases resources
And nutrients through an underground network of fungi
Giving other plants a chance to survive
Sharing its dying wish
Pain and love entwined
Through dirt and roots in time;
She told me this
Wandering a vale of tears
Hers and mine
As deep as pain goes
Soil showered with rain as love
Because that’s all there is
All there ever was
Both want more than that
We may merely survive
But that the other may be free
That the other may thrive.

Falling

Ocean
Sea
Never knew which was which
But it’s held me
Endless
And looking upon it
I feel endless too
Floating in its crushing weight
Unknown universe on planet Earth
We may step upon its crest
The face of the moon
I’m in a forest
The damp coastal air is home
Mists from nowhere
Course through me
In this place of start again
Gazing upon empty space
An ocean
Sea
The drop is far
I imagine these cliffs
Primordially
And then my heart
Asunder
Feels less pain
Here I’m small
A foghorn screams
Help me
Falling
Into an ocean
Endlessly

Shattered

I’m alive and my heart hurts. What a thing to feel. At least I get to feel. Feel something so deep in the valley of my bones, a pain, a cloud, that’s full and fresh and breathing; rain, illumined by interspersing sunlight, filling me up and pulsing like lightning through the storm, shattering my mind, breaking me to rebuild me, cracking to be put together like a Japanese clay pot. Shattered — and it hurts to shatter — but sometimes we have to break to start again. I feel my life burning away so I may rise somewhere else, somewhere new, the same spirit and soul I’ve always been, only with unaccustomed eyes, a fresh perspective, grown like an oak, once a seed, hence a tree.

One day I’ll be a tree. I hope you may sit under my shade.

Lost

I wanna be lost again. That feeling in Japan. Bewildered. Not of my universe, but somewhere else; and I’m just a drop in the ocean, anonymous, small, instead of feeling big, the center of attention. And maybe that comes from childhood. I’m more comfortable in the shadow, out of the spotlight, quiet; is that something I oughta change? It’s who I am. Maybe that’s just what I wanna believe. ’Cause there’s a kid in me, too, who longs to shine.

The world is so much grander than I, and that fuels what’s inside of I — the universe out there becomes the universe in here. Tides turn and stars burn — city lights glitter and fade; when there’s so much happening out there, there’s less I need to do. Because I drift in the tide. I burn with the stars. I shine with the lights and fade into the shadow. I got a lot of pain in me, and that’s beautiful.

Feel the pain, kid. Let it in and let it out. Use it to be vulnerable, to feel broken, to connect with other wounded souls — what each and every one of us is — to heal. The pain fuels me; it doesn’t define me, pain. But I use it to understand myself and others and the world. There’s nothing to achieve. Nothing to overcome. Nothing to get. But much to let burn away. What a fucking adventure you get to have, going for your dreams. Every day brings challenges, tears, small wins, simple pleasures, people you meet and goodbyes; the love, man. The fucking love in this life.

Moonlight shining on me

Kid Cudi in my ears
Shooting hoops on Halloween
Just u
It’s just u
A kid again
Lights shining on the court
A stage
Moonlight shining on me
Never lost completely
I’m afraid of losing me
Of giving up
But you could never be anything other
Than what you are.
You’ll never accept a life
That isn’t yours.